Walls
by Inkess
Summary: Diagnosed as an Ardat-Yakshi at an early age, Falere had lived her entire life within the Monastery's walls. This is the story of her life, from the moment of diagnosis to post-ME3. (On hiatus.)
1. Monsters

**This story is part of the Under-serving Character Challenge on the Afterlife forum (if you're a Mass Effect fan go and check it out, it's at the top of the list!).**

**A note on Falere's age in this chapter: The codex says nothing on it, except that she's the youngest of her sisters. So I gave her the age of twenty-eight, which would make her a pre-teen (10-12 y. o. or so) in human terms (I guess, given the asari life-span). **

* * *

_Chapter 1: Monsters_

The house was always scary at night. Even though Falere turned twenty-eight this year and knew well there weren't any monsters lurking in the shadows, the quiet darkness in the hallway leading to the bathroom still unsettled her. Everything was same… yet different.

Taking a deep breath, she continued down the hallway. She was a big girl now and could go pee in the middle of the night without help from her big sisters or mom and dad.

Speaking of mom and dad, Falere noticed that something was wrong as she passed by the door of their bedroom. There was light seeping through the crack under it and she could hear their agitated voices arguing.

That was strange. Mom and dad loved each other and went along just fine. Falere pressed her ear against the door, listening in. As she did so, she felt a pang of guilt, but the temptation was stronger.

_"… still have a normal life. Not all is lost."_

_"Wake up, Samara. It's active. She won't be allowed to exit the monastery. Ever."_

What were they talking about? Falere had no clue. Her father continued.

_"We need to get the younger girls tested, too. If it's active they'll be able to see it, despite their age."_

_"I know, Polina. It is just so wrong. They are young… they shouldn't be…"_

_"You wanted pureblood chil—"_

Falere suddenly felt chilly. Backing away from the door, she went to the bathroom and did her business not really aware of what she was doing. Pureblood. That nasty word some kids in school called her because her mom and dad were both asari. Were they talking about her sisters… and her?

Shaking her head, Falere returned to the room she shared with Rila as quietly as possible. Mirala was older and had a room for herself. Not fair, but their house wasn't big enough to have a room for everyone. At least, that's what mom and dad kept repeating every time Falere complained.

The door opened without a sound. Good. It was wrong to spy on mom and dad like this, she knew that, and the last thing she needed was Rila waking up and asking what she'd been up to. Knowing her sister, their parents would know about this before the dawn broke.

Falere slipped into her bed, but couldn't sleep. A million questions hopped around her head. What was wrong with them? What was a monastery? What test? The same one that Mirala had to go to a hospital for last week? Again something to do with being pureb—with having asari mom and dad. Why did Rila and her need to take it? They weren't old enough.

There were no answers to be found to any of these questions and Falere hated it. By the goddess, she was twenty-eight! Old enough to know everything that's going on in the family! Especially if it was about her and her sisters.

She sighed and rolled to the side. There was no point to this. School would start in the morning like it did every day, and she didn't like the idea of falling asleep in the middle of the class. It wouldn't do any good to her already shaky reputation.

Clutching the blanked in her hand, Falere closed her eyes and drifted into uneasy sleep.

* * *

The teacher's voice droned on and on in the large classroom. Falere leaned her elbows on the desk and rested her head on her palms. Her head was heavy and not only because the lecture on Athame and other old legends was boring.

It had been over two weeks since she overheard the conversation between her parents, and nothing had happened. Absolutely nothing. Mirala went to high school, spent a lot of time seeing her friends (_well, mostly Ilona these days_, Falere corrected herself) and behaved like her usual cheerful self. No signs of any horrible sickness (_why would she need a test in a hospital if she's not sick?)_, or anything out of the ordinary. No one came and told Rila or her to get examined. Falere had to really hold her tongue in whenever she was near her parents to ask what was going on, but something stopped her every time. Something very close to fear.

Falere lifted her chin and looked around the classroom. She wasn't afraid of anything. It was just… difficult to admit you've been listening in to your parents in the middle of the night. Especially when your mom was as strict as Samara was.

Tanika's purple scalp suddenly caught her attention. Her head was bowed over a datapad, so Falere could see the tentacles curving, the longest one nearly reaching the back of her neck. They looked very pretty, Falere realized. Tanika was the only purple-skinned girl in their class, and she already had… boobies starting to grow.

Falere shook her head slightly. What was going on? She couldn't look away from the two small lumps on Tanika's chest. At the same time, she felt something she had never experienced before. Her… azure (was that the word used by Mirala for her… lower region?) felt warm and prickly… or was that tingly?

"Falere!" the teacher's voice echoed, stopping her hand that was sliding on its own across her thigh and upwards. "I'm calling you for the third time!"

"S-sorry, teacher."

"What can you tell me about Athame's shield?"

"I… uh, I…"

"Haven't you been listening to anything I said today?"

Falere replied nothing, but just stared at her desk instead. The scribbling on its surface suddenly became very interesting. They were definitely better than seeing her classmates give her the _weird pureblood girl_ looks she knew she's been getting by now.

"You'll be doing extra homework today," the teacher scolded, and thankfully let the matter drop. Falere breathed a sigh of relief, but at the same time felt… regret. That warm feeling was gone, and she missed it, but it also felt... wrong. She wasn't quite sure what that feeling was, but a voice inside told her it had something to do with… melding. _Embracing eternity_, as Mirala called it. And she was too young, far too young for it. What was happening to her?

The rest of the school day was as boring and predictable as she knew it would be, but Falere did her best to follow the class. She didn't need another scold from the teacher, or worse, getting her parents alerted. Still, she couldn't wait until it was over. The salvation came in the form of the signal announcing the end of the final class.

Grabbing her things and tossing them in her bag, Falere slung it on her shoulders and hurried out of the classroom. The day was finally over.

Little did she know how wrong she was.

Her jog towards the exit was stopped by her name being called over the school's announcement system, telling her to go see the school's counselor, immediately. Falere stood frozen for several moments, trying to figure it out. It couldn't… it couldn't be just for tuning out in class, right? She didn't do it _that_ often.

Shrugging, she turned and started tracing her steps back. The thought of ignoring the announcement did cross her mind, but she decided against it. The sooner she was over with this, the better.

She was surprised to see Rila waiting in front of the counselor's office. She looked puzzled more than worried. Falere was glad. Maybe… maybe this won't be _that _bad.

If only that weird feeling in her gut would go away.

The counselor ushered them in a moment and offered them a seat. The look on _her_ face was… strange. She had displayed a big smile over it, but even Falere in her young years could see that it was forced. A glance shot in the way of her sister confirmed her suspicions. Rila now looked more worried than puzzled, and it made her worry, too. Falere shifted uncomfortably on her chair.

"I need to tell you something bad," the counselor began. "About your sister."

That feeling of _something is wrong_ that she had been trying to push away ever since she had eavesdropped on her parents struck Falere with full force. Whatever that conversation was about caught up with them right now.

The counselor hesitated, increasing Falere's nervousness. "Do you know what an Ardat-Yakshi is?" she finally asked.

Falere worked her brain in search for an answer. It was something related to the old legends they were currently studying, she was sure, but couldn't think up anything else.

"Demon of the night winds," Rila muttered. Her face turned one shade of blue lighter and her lips were pressed in a tight line. Yes, that's what the textbook said, Falere remembered; they were monsters and a disgrace but they couldn't… couldn't be real. It was an old legend, a story, nothing else.

The counselor nodded. "It has a fancy sounding name, but it is more of a medical condition than anything else." Falere took a sharp breath. So Mirala _was_ sick. "With deadly consequences, unfortunately," she continued.

"Deadly?" Falere echoed. "Mirala will die?"

"No, Falere." The councilor reduced her voice to nearly a whisper. "Mirala is deadly to those she melds with."

Falere looked at her sister, hoping to find help in processing this information and saw sadness, or something worse in her eyes.

"I knew she went through testing, like all purebloods have to," Rila said. "Our parents told us nothing about the outcome… so I assumed everything went alright."

"They told Mirala about her condition, but she refused to go into isolation." The counselor made another pause.

Falere remembered another thing she had read in the textbook. The demons were asked to live far away from other asari, in a safe place. Was that the monastery she heard her parents talking about?

"… And?" Rila asked, sounding and looking like she was expecting the worst.

"And they were looking for the best way to persuade her… when today Mirala… Mirala tried…" The counselor trailed off.

"What?!" Rila jumped to her feet. "She tried what?!"

"She skipped school with Ilona and…"

"No!" Rila collapsed back on the chair, with a tear running down her face. "I knew she was… she was _dating_ Ilona but she begged me not to tell anyone! Don't tell me she… she and Ilona…"

The counselor bowed her head. "I'm afraid they did, Rila. Mirala attempted to meld with her… and her condition took over."

Silence followed her words, interrupted only by Rila's sobs.

"Ilona's dead?" Falere asked, hoping to hear the opposite. Something inside closed shut at the thought, preventing her from crying. It couldn't be true. Mirala knew she could kill Ilona and still tried to meld with her? She wasn't like that. She wasn't.

"I'm afraid she is," the councilor said grimly. Rila wailed loudly at these words. "It's not your fault, Rila. Your parents knew they were more than friends, but thought it was just a romantic, silly phase. And they told Mirala to stop seeing Ilona after finding out about her condition. No one expected this."

Rila nodded, but still continued to sob.

"Your sister… has a more powerful version of her condition than most. It made her drawn to Ilona and seek melding earlier than it is usual. A case like this hasn't been recorded in a long, long time."

"What's going to happen to Mirala?" Rila asked, but Falere barely heard her. She suddenly remembered Tanika and how she felt while looking at her. She's been drawn to her, just like… No. Was she… like Mirala?

"We have to find her first." The counselor avoided the question. "She ran away. The police are looking for her and we can expect she'll be brought home soon."

The counselor suddenly brought two fingers to her ear. "Uh-huh. I'll tell them." She smiled at them again, the same forced smile Falere saw a little while ago. "Your parents are here. They are going to take you to a hospital. I'm sorry, girls, but you need to be checked, too."

Falere nodded and took the still-sobbing Rila under her arm and led her out of the office. It was strange to act older than her sister, and under any other circumstances she'd feel proud. Right now, though, the only thing she felt was that weird feeling of being closed on the inside. It prevented her from feeling any other emotions.

Samara, their mom, waited for them outside the school. Polina, their dad, was nowhere to be seen. That was strange. Didn't the counselor say their _parents_ were here?

"Where's Dad?" Rila asked the obvious.

"She will be joining us at the hospital," their mom replied. She was calm, like nothing in the world was happening. "Come. We must hurry."

Falere moved to enter the skycar, but suddenly found herself falling into her mother's arms. The tears finally spilled out of her eyes. "I'm a monster for looking at Tanika!" she shouted through sobs. "I don't want to be a monster! I don't want to live in a monastery! I—"

"Shhhh…" Samara gently ran her hand across her scalp. "It has not been confirmed yet, and even if it has been it would not make you a monster. You can still make your choice."

"But that means—"

"There is no point in talking about that now," Samara said firmly. "Come."

Falere nodded and wiped her eyes. Rila had already entered the skycar and stared in front of herself, expressionless. "Sis," she clapped Rila's shoulder, "we're going to be alright. You'll see."

They had to be.


	2. Falling Apart

_Chapter 2: Falling Apart_

Hospitals always smelled wrong. Like sickness, medicine and… something else. Something that came after the sickness and treatments, ruthless and hard. Death, if Falere was to be honest with herself.

Rubbing her neck uncomfortably at the very thought, Falere felt somewhere deep in her heart that children shouldn't be thinking about death. Even asari children, who were taught from an early age to adopt the long view so typical for their species. They were supposed to live longer than most of the other beings in the galaxy; expected to leave their parents early, travel around, shoot stuff and meld with those unlucky short-lived beings; then they would settle down with one of them, outlive them and repeat it until they were ready to join the Universe again. Die.

Falere shuddered. Mirala tried to meld with someone today, and Death touched them all. It didn't feel as magnificent as the Code teachers tried to tell them over and over again. It didn't feel like _joining the Universe_ or going to the Goddess. Instead, it was cold and empty and just… wrong. Like this hospital and its walls bearing down on her. Something inside her begged to run before they crashed on the top of her head, but Falere remained rooted where she was - seated between her mom and Rila, who both looked as scared and confused as her. In fact, their mother looked even more unsettled than the two sisters, and somehow that frightened her the most.

Their father sat next to Rila, on the other side of Falere, and her expression was unreadable to Falere's inexperienced eyes. Polina showed up only half an hour ago, and looked like she didn't—No. That was impossible.

A small mark on the inner side of her arm drew her attention. That was all it took. A pinprick and a little of their blood drawn. Two small vials will decide the future of her family. It was out of her, and anybody's hands now. All they could do now was to wait, and that was what they did. For the last three hours. Falere wasn't sure for how long she could take this.

_Finally_, something happened. A completely expressionless nurse appeared and asked their parents to come with her. Samara got up first, with Polina tagging behind. Falere didn't miss the strange look in their father's eyes directed at them before disappearing in one of the hallways. It was cold and disappointed, not scared or sad like their mother's. What was that supposed to mean?

_We are monsters and we are going to spend the rest of our lives locked away in a dark, scary place. _The little voice in the back of her head that Falere had tried to ignore since they got here whispered. _See?_ _Even our dad wants to get rid of us._

Falere felt her vision going blurry and closed her eyes quickly, telling herself it was just her imagination. It didn't help. Tears fought their way through the cracks of her eyelids and streamed down her face. She bit on her lip, desperately trying to stay silent.

Suddenly, she felt two arms pulling her in a hug. "Sis," Rila whispered in her ear, "we're going to be okay. You'll see."

Falere chuckled in her sister's shoulder. Those were her words in the skycar, before they spent hours in this ugly building, when she still felt brave and ready to deal with whatever life throws at her. Right now, though, she needed this. She needed to hide her face in her older sister's shoulder and feel her hand on the back of her scalp.

She was only twenty-eight, after all.

"But what if… what if we… won't be okay?" Falere asked after a while. "What if we are… Ardat-Yakshi?"

"We're going to be okay," Rila repeated one more time. "Even if it's confirmed. There's nothing shameful in that."

"Nothing shameful?" Falere echoed and lifted her head. Rila met her gaze, and her eyes had a determined expression Falere had never seen before. She was glad to see it. In the counselor's office Rila looked like she was about to crumble. While Falere tried to play the role of the bigger sister the best she could, the thought of doing it for a long time was chilling.

"Yes, nothing shameful," Rila nodded, and the gesture reminded Falere of their mother somehow. "We can still make our choice."

"Mom said that earlier," Falere protested. "I know what it means! We're supposed to live in a place called a monastery! I don't even know what it is, but I bet it's dark and scary."

Rila thought for a while before answering. "From what I've heard, it's a refuge, a safe place for the Ardat-Yakshi who chose not to take advantage of their condition. Unlike our sister." The last part was said with a hint of darkness in her voice. "It can't be that bad."

Falere looked at her sister in surprise. A lot of thoughts tumbled around in her head. So Rila was okay with being locked away? And if Mirala wasn't okay with it, then what was she? A monster or someone strong enough to make her stand?

No. Mirala just _killed_ Ilona. No, what was the better word? When someone _wanted _to kill a person? Yes, she murdered her. Falere felt her lower lip trembling. Mirala knew that melding with someone could kill her partner and still did it. There was no exc—

"Look, our parents are back," Rila barely rasped and released Falere.

Samara walked down the hallway slowly. Was she dragging her feet, or was that just Falere's imagination? Polina followed behind with her head bowed low.

That was enough. No words were necessary. Falere felt the world freeze around her and, almost with an audible sound, started to fall apart.

Their parents, the only moving figures in a still world, reached their seats. Even before they spoke, telling them the unfortunate truth, Falere felt the tears running down her face again.

* * *

Sleep. They told her to sleep it off – between the two rounds of the argument which started as soon as they were through the door of their house – and make the decision in the morning. What sleep? What was that? What was there to decide? Choosing between being locked away for the rest of her life, or being marked and hunted down by the justicars wasn't something a twenty-eight year old girl should do.

"Rila?" Falere tried, again, feeling terribly lonely in the darkness of their room. There was no answer.

Falere doubted that her sister was truly asleep. Rila probably just wanted to be left alone. They were different in many things, but also similar in many more. And now they were stuck together for life.

Their condition was active, their parents told them, just like Mirala's was. They could never leave the monastery. They were going to lose everything they ever had and—

Falere winced when the silence that followed after the argument between her parents ended was broken by a noise sounding like the front door being slammed, but that… just wasn't possible. She pulled the blanket over her head, suddenly wishing to disappear.

Nothing happened. The reality behind the blanket was as cruel as it was a moment ago, but Falere still refused to come out. With a sigh, she activated the omni-tool she got for birthday earlier this year. It was as good distraction as any.

The news was clamoring with reports on Mirala. The entire Armali was looking for her, with no results. The way how the news described Mirala made Falere furious. She was still her sister and they had no right to talk about her like she was a cold-blooded monster.

_But Mirala killed someone in cold blood today, remember?_ The tiny voice prodded her again. Falere bit on her lip, and browsed away from the news sites. This was a bad idea.

She wandered the extranet for a while, but nothing could hold her attention. Suddenly, she remembered the place her parents kept mentioning in their argument thinking she couldn't hear them after they had sent her to bed. It was called "Lesus" or something like that. Was that where…? It was worth a try.

_"Did you mean 'Lesuss'?"_ The search engine inquired. Falere shrugged and tapped _Yes_.

Far away. Full of diseases. Not good for growing food. Not much more info offered… except for a special refuge in the mountains outside of Marya, the capital. That was the word Rila used. A refuge. Falere stared at the picture of a secluded building half-buried in snow for a long time. _That _was the place where she was supposed to spend the rest of her life.

Another bad idea.

Turning the omni-tool off, Falere poked her head out of the blanket. Did it really matter? Did she really have a choice? No, she didn't. It was either that place, or getting marked like a monster. Like Mirala.

Definitely not a choice a girl her age should make.

The dawn found her awake, with a prickly feeling in her eyes; both from lack of sleep and tears that kept coming to her through the night. She sat up, and met Rila's gaze. Her eyes were red, too.

Without a word, the two sisters dragged themselves out of their beds and went to their parents' bedroom. It was empty.

After another exchange of glances, with their mouths still carefully shut, the sisters went searching for them. They found Samara alone, sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea. Their mother looked like she hadn't slept, too.

"Your father needs some time to think." Samara answered their unspoken question as soon as they were through the door. "This was a shock for her."

Falere shifted her weight uncomfortably, saying nothing. It would be nice if she could believe it, but something about that slam in the middle of the night was… finite. She suddenly felt much older than yesterday. A girl like her shouldn't notice such things.

Rila cleared her throat, breaking the silence. Both Samara and Falere looked at her. "Falere and I would like to say that we will follow the Code regarding the Ardat-Yakshi. We will live in the monastery and follow its rules… isn't it right, Falere?"

What was there to say? Was this really a choice? Their family was torn apart. They were marked like monsters. Their lives were already in pieces. Going to a building buried in mountains in the middle of nowhere couldn't make things worse… much.

It had already been decided, from the day they were born. Falere felt her stomach twisting as she spoke.

"Yes, mother. We're not monsters."


	3. Control

_Chapter 3: Control_

The snow kept falling without a break, like it did for the past three days. At night it was even worse, because the temperature would fall below the freezing point. The monastery's open terrace, with its tables and benches dressed in white, looked like the last place where a sane person wanted to be, but Falere persevered. She dug her arms into the sleeves of her padded robe and shivered, peering into the snowy darkness. Maybe she could see something other than the snow. The lights of Marya in the valley below them, for example. A rare spaceship taking off or landing. Maybe even the supply skycar that visited once in a week. Anything.

There was nothing. Nothing at all. Just the heavy blanket of snowflakes that dampened the already sparse sounds on this goddess-forsaken planet. The monastery was asleep, except for the guards. Falere could feel their eyes on her back, but refused to pay any attention to it. They knew she was there, and she knew they knew it. Her little nighttime walks were becoming quite a habit for her, and she was glad they were letting her do it.

The guards weren't bad or mean or anything like that. It was just that Falere had a distinct feeling they were here not to protect them, but to observe and act accordingly if need be. She was being watched 23 hours a day, treated like a potential danger and it was getting to her sometimes. It was difficult to believe that she endured full five years of this crap and didn't go nuts yet.

Falere shuddered again, and not because of the cold. Five years and counting. Too many left to count.

At the thought of this, she finally got up and headed back inside. Anything, anything but the thought of how many more years she had left to endure in this prison. It was what kept here awake through night after night and made her wander the elegant halls like a ghost.

Or a demon. Or a monster.

Falere stopped in the middle of the dark hallway, letting out a quiet whimper. Like the entire monastery, the hallway was decorated with small pools of water. They reflected the night lamps, making the light dance on the ceiling together with shadows. She stared at the intricate patterns they created for a while and then moved on.

It was almost funny. Five years ago, she'd be in the nearest corner cowering at the sight of the moving shadows and vast, dark emptiness. Today, she even welcomed it. If only…

If only she wasn't sentenced to spend at least nine more centuries here.

Arriving at her dormitory, Falere stopped outside the door and took off her snow-drenched heavy robe, revealing the night gown she usually slept in. It was dry. She could go to sleep. Or more likely, stare at the ceiling and think.

Sometimes she wished she was a salarian. Then, at the age of thirty-three she could almost be—

On the second thought, she didn't want to be a salarian. A turian, maybe. Several decades of this could be acceptable. Several centuries on the other hand… How was she supposed to spend them? Making asari honey mead all the time?

Falere shook her head and finally entered, as quietly as she could. The other girls were asleep, or at least didn't acknowledge her entrance. Good. She didn't want to wake them up.

Sneaking into her bed, Falere thought how she actually belonged here. There was no name-calling. They were all stuck together. The biotic lessons were interesting. Gossiping instead of studying in the library was very interesting. If it wasn't for the preachy lessons on the Goddess (Who took Athame worshipping seriously these days, really? Only justicars and Matriarch Amanta, apparently) and _controlling the urges_ every single day, daytime hours would be fun. Nighttime hours were _pure torture_. Like now.

_Think back, Falere. Back to your family._

She tried her hardest to picture mom and dad together, hugging her and Rila, but couldn't. Rila was in another dormitory for older girls. Mom was back in Armali, calling her daughters at the exactly same day and time every week. Dad was… not with mom. Falere was certain. She never dared to ask directly, but she knew.

She missed their home, their old room. She missed Mirala, who disappeared in the void between the stars and no one knew where she was. She even missed Armali and its parks and spires. They never let her go see Marya, but it looked so small, so unremarkable when the weather would let her take a look at it. So old. So forgotten.

Without any warning at all, Tanika's face appeared before her eyes. Why did she remember her now? If there was one thing she didn't miss about her previous life, it was the old school and her classmates. Well, Tanika never called her a pureblood and even back then her body looked maiden-like. How did she look now when even Falere started growing breasts?

No. Oh, no. The tingle. The tingle was here.

Falere knew what it was now. She had been warned about it. Many times. It was completely physical and not dangerous by itself, but it lead to… melding.

_Drop! Drop the bad thought, Falere! Now!_

It wouldn't go away. The ache between her legs stubbornly refused to go away. How would she get rid of it?

Acting on some hidden instinct, Falere rubbed her thighs together. It worked… or did it?

Before she realized what she was doing, Falere touched her azure. And kept touching it. And thinking about Tanika and her growing breasts. And about that time when she entered one of the bathrooms without knocking and saw Lossa wet and naked and—

_Shit!_

Falere's hand snapped back when she became aware of her actions.

_Shit! Shit, shit, shit!_

The guilt hit her like a hammer, erasing the ache without any trace. She didn't _totally_ screw this up, but still… It was bad.

Very bad.

What would Matriarch Amanta do if she found out about this? She was really strict about _following the rules_.

_Shit…_

* * *

Someone called out her name and shook her shoulder. Falere blinked sleepily and found herself face-to-face with Lossa.

"Sh—uh!" she mumbled. Swearing in your mind was one thing. Swearing out loud was a totally another one. Even when there wasn't a teacher or the matriarch herself to hear you.

"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Lossa grinned and clapped Falere's shoulder again. "Wandering at night again, huh?"

"Yeah," she confirmed, still wondering how she managed to fall asleep with all that had happened at night.

Lossa looked pretty when she wore a grin on her purple face.

Falere shook her head. By the Goddess, Lossa was supposed to be her best friend, not her… not her… ugh!

No. She had better control than this.

"What's the matter with you this morning?" Lossa frowned a little.

"Nothing," Falere replied curtly.

"Then get up already! You're going to miss the breakfast and the morning prayer!"

Falere dragged herself out of bed, and saw that she and Lossa were alone. The room was swimming in sunlight – yes, actual sunlight – and the blue glow reflected on the snow outside. There was no time to enjoy the beautiful morning, however. If everyone else was already in the mess hall, then she had to hurry.

Lossa waited for Falere outside the dormitory while she got dressed. Together, they arrived to the mess hall just in time to grab and eat their breakfast before the matriarch arrived. She led them through a prayer – the usual stuff about salvation, temptation and Goddess granting them all the strength of mind, or something equally old-fashioned - and Falere felt like each word was a stab through her heart. The guilt returned, this time accompanied by a sick feeling in her stomach. She caught herself staring at the faces of the other girls, looking for signs of guilt. She couldn't be the only one who did that, could she?

Once the prayer was over, Falere sneaked out of the mess hall. She needed time to think this over, not stare at Lossa. Unfortunately, she bumped into her sister just as she thought she was clear.

Oh, great. Rila could read her sister like an open book. How was she going to hide this from her?

Sure enough, Rila got a distressed expression on her face as soon as they made eye contact.

"Falere? Sis, what's wrong?"

Falere sniffled quietly. "I… I touched myself this night," she found herself speaking. "Just a little… Not enough to…" She couldn't say it.

"Oh, sister…" Rila whispered. Hugging Falere tightly, she dragged her to an empty hallway and made her take a seat in one of the chairs.

"Are they going to kick me out of the monastery?" Falere hissed when she was sure they were alone.

"No, silly girl!" Rila smiled. Rila really smiled. "I did it, told the matriarch about it, and I'm still here and unharmed. I even _finished._"

Falere blinked in confusion several times while she processed this. Finally, she asked, "And what did the matriarch say? The usual about control and strength of mind?"

"Yes, but she also told me that control has to be practiced, learned. And it's hard to learn something without failing, right?" Rila paused.

Falere nodded. It made sense.

"Look," Rila leaned forward and reduced her voice to a whisper, "the thing is… _finishing_ feels good. Really good. It's easy to like it. And they say that melding feels a thousand times better. So we might get curious and… Get it?"

Falere nodded again. Why couldn't the matriarch say it with these words but chose to bore her to death with religious phrases centuries old? It was all clearer now.

"So… do I have to tell her?" Falere asked uncertainly. "The matriarch, I mean."

"She's not so bad, trust me," Rila asserted. Falere rolled her eyes. "She's just… old. When she was our age, the way of the Goddess wasn't as forgotten as it is now. Athame represented more than just a title used in curses and phrases."

"Still, I don't want to tell her!"

"I guess you don't _have_ to tell her…" Rila pondered. "Nothing happened, after all. And we all get such thoughts. I guess if it happened ag—"

"It won't." Falere cut her off.

It won't.


	4. Justice

_Chapter 4: Justice_

The Great Hall was eerily quiet when Falere stepped through the door. She lingered near the entrance for a few long moments, scanning the area. In the opposite end of the hall, near the giant windows, stood the familiar figure of her sister.

There was no one else. Most of the girls got leave to visit Thessia, and were probably walking in the shadow of her favorite tree in the largest park in Armali right now. Falere felt her lower lip tremble. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't fair.

If she ever as much as peeks her nose through the monastery's main entrance, she will have a justicar on her back in no time. Falere snorted quietly as she joined her sister by the window. Justicars. Like all asari girls, she had been infatuated by the vids and books telling about their heroic deeds. There was little admiration left for their actions now.

Rila was quiet. Unusually quiet. Although her older sister would sometimes get on her nerves, Falere realized that she needed her comments or words of encouragement right now.

"By the Code," Rila suddenly muttered under her breath, "an active Ardat-Yakshi cannot exist outside the monastery." With that, she leaned her head on the cool glass surface and sighed. Sniffled, even.

Falere was shocked. Her sister was often the first among the girls to spout off code quotes, but she did it in a much more reverent way usually. Rila was the one the other girls were afraid of when she got to be the floor warden. According to the library gossip, where Rila appeared, fun ended. Based on her personal experience, Falere mostly agreed with that, with added remark that it was probably just Rila's way of coping with the situation. The other girls didn't get it, and thought she was unbelievably uptight.

The reason why Falere understood her sister so well was her own similar trial. Ever since the mishap with masturbation (she could say the word now and not feel any guilt) several years ago, she had tried to follow every single rule on self-control. Hard. And had succeeded so far. The _mishap_ was no longer an issue. One would think, Falere thought suddenly with a bitter edge to her inner voice, she had earned a walk through Armali.

"I did everything," Rila kept muttering to herself, ignoring Falere's presence. "Everything. Never missed a prayer. Read the Code every day. Got chosen twice as the Matriarch's assistant." She sniffled again and Falere chuckled inwardly, realizing where this was going. Who could have thought that Holy Rila felt the same way as her? "And it wasn't enough. I got left behind with the Old Grumps and the Troublemakers."

The Old Grumps was a term younger girls in the monastery used for the Ardat-Yakshi near or in their matriarch stage who never got released. Needless to say, they weren't a cheerful bunch and kept mostly to their floor. Even though their behavior would earn them a leave, they simply weren't interested in getting out anymore. Although Falere couldn't truly comprehend that – she would give anything (_anything_) just to take a walk down the streets of the boring, old Marya, let alone Armali – it did make certain kind of sense somewhere in the back of her mind. On her bad days, she could even see becoming like them once she reached their age.

The Troublemakers was a term coined by the guards for a small clique of maidens. Like their name suggested, they were always involved in one trouble or another. Flirting with the guards or one another, sharing "forbidden" books, pictures and vids, talking hush-hush in the darkest corner of the library, all the stuff Falere secretly wanted to do. If her sister wasn't Holy Rila, who could smell any kind of indecent behavior and come running from the other side of the monastery to—

No. She was better than that. By the Goddess, she was an active Ardat-Yakshi! If she ever gets caught just talking to the Troublemakers like they were her friends, she will be in deep trouble. Probably left at the mercy of the nearest justicar.

Falere sighed and leaned on the glass like her sister. She wished Lossa was here. Her cheerful attitude would chase the doom and gloom away. Instead, she was stuck with Holy Rila in a sullen mood. Suddenly she wished she wasn't in this oppressively silent hall with its giant windows looking at the boring snowy landscape she saw every day. Maybe she could take a peek at the library, where the Troublemakers were doing Goddess-knows-what while pretending to study? It wouldn't be suspicious. The library was the perfectly sensible place for her to be.

Looking at her sister, who was still leaned on the window and stared outside with a blank expression in her eyes, Falere felt like someone ran an ice cube down her back and dropped the idea of checking on the library immediately. Rila said she got left behind with the Troublemakers. She didn't—It couldn't possibly mean—

"I hope that doesn't include me." Falere found herself speaking without her brain's permission.

"No—No, of course not, sis!" Rila winced as she suddenly acknowledged Falere's presence. "We're both left behind."

Feeling a sudden pang of guilt, Falere moved closer to her sister and put an arm around her back. Rila was… Rila was not that different from her. They had been both trying to prove _something_ (Falere wasn't entirely sure _what_) to the matriarch, guards and all other staff ever since the front door closed behind them. They had to be always perfect on the outside, erasing any doubts and potential problems about their condition. On the inside… who cared? The matriarch? For all her talk about soul and inner growth, she had never had the decency to ask how the two sisters truly felt. The guards? They still treated them like they were walking explosive devices. Nothing changed, and nothing will ever change.

The dark wave of the familiar thoughts increased, bringing nausea with it. Really, who cared? What was the point to all this?

_We care,_ Falere thought suddenly and gripped her sister's shoulder. _We care. We're not monsters. No matter what others think._

Rila sniffled again and wiped the tears from her eyes. She even managed a tiny smile. Falere felt proud that she managed to play the role of the older sister again.

"Ah! There you are, girls!" The familiar voice, deep and rich, echoed in the empty hall behind them. As the two sisters turned to face its owner, they both felt uneasy. What happened? Matriarch Amanta would usually send one of her subordinates when she needed to talk to someone, not come to look for them herself.

"Your mother called. She has something important to tell you," Amanta said calmly, but Falere felt her stomach clenching. Really, what was going on? "She is waiting on one of the comm terminals in the common room." With that, the matriarch turned on her heels and left the Great Hall.

There was nothing left to do but navigate the maze of corridors to the common room. The sisters walked hand in hand, silent, not daring to ask the question that loomed above them: _What made mother call instead of visit them?_ Several years ago they had been finally allowed to receive visits from the outside world, and Samara had come to visit whenever she could. If whatever she wanted to tell them was that important, why didn't she come to see them face-to-face?

The common room was empty. With nearly everyone gone from the monastery, it was no surprise. Falere was glad. There were too many prying eyes and ears around the communicator usually.

They approached the terminal and saw the fuzzy holographic image of their mother.

_"Fa—? —ila?"_ Their mother's voice called, distorted with cracks and pops from the static. They couldn't even get a decent communicator in the monastery.

"Hold on a moment, mother!" Falere said and fiddled with the comm interface for a while. She wasn't exactly a tech expert, but with the usual boredom in the monastery she would read any kind of book. Even tech manuals on comm terminals. It was enough to increase the quality of the transmission.

"Better now?" she asked. "We're both here."

Rila was unusually silent, Falere noted in the back of her mind. She would always greet their mother first when she called. What was happening to her?

_"I have called you together to tell you important news. I have made a decision, and it is a hazardous one. I must do it alone."_ Now that the static was cleared, her mother's voice was completely even, and her face was as hard as stone.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Falere asked timidly. Glancing at her sister, she noticed her expression almost mirrored their mother's. Rila was still silent.

_"I am taking the Oath of Solitude tomorrow—" _Their mother explained but Falere cut her off.

"The Oath of Solitude? That's the first oath a justicar must take when… when… Mother, you're not… you're not becoming…?"

Rila pressed her lips in a tight line and kept her stony silence. Falere wished she could do that, but her increasing anger made the words burn in her mouth. She had to spit them out. "Why, mother? Why? Are you abandoning us too? Like father?"

_"You know why I must do it."_

"No, mother, I do not."

Samara hesitated, swallowing hard. _"She is my responsibility," _she said finally. _"Her crimes are my crimes."_

"And so you're abandoning your Code-abiding daughters for one who is a wanted murderer?" Samara turned her head away, trying to conceal the pain in her eyes. Any other time Falere would feel terrible for hurting her mother, but now she wanted, needed to continue. "Is Mirala really that dangerous? Or do you just want to bring the prodigal daughter home? She is your favorite, isn't she? Always was."

Samara's lower lip shook and she let out a small gasp. One part of Falere felt triumphant, the other just… terrible. She had never experienced anger like this before. The more she spoke, the more it burned. It was destructive and brutal, wanting to crush everything in its path.

_"Mirala is gone. Her name is Morinth now," _their mother said quietly. _"It is true, I thought Mirala was the smartest and most beautiful of my daughters, but that is what makes Morinth so dangerous. Do you understand now? That is exactly why I must bring her to justice."_

Falere was silent. The burn was somehow put out by her mother's words, but she didn't know what to say now that it was gone.

_"Please… do not let anger ruin this," _Samara said pleadingly. Even now she could read her emotions perfectly. After all, she was her mother.

"Y-yes, mother. I understand," Falere whispered. The void left by the anger was replaced by sadness and loss now. "It's just… I don't want to lose what is left of our family. I'll miss you."

Samara nodded. Just nodded. Coldly. Just like a justicar should, Falere thought. The sadness and loss inside her increased.

_"What about you, Rila? You have been silent."_

There was a long moment between the question and Rila's answer.

"I can only say I will miss you, too." With that, Rila turned away from the comm and stormed away.

"Forgive her, mother. The monastery can be hard on us." Falere felt the need to play the role of the older sister again and defend Rila. "Today is… especially hard."

_"I am sorry to add to your burdens, but this is the only way for me to have a just life. I cannot close my eyes anymore and pretend I am not partly responsible for Morinth's crimes."_

"Just… just catch her, mother. And soon." With that, Falere terminated the call. The sadness and loss inside her were turning into real pain. She couldn't take this anymore.

Something inside kept telling her to go check on Rila, but Falere couldn't move a muscle. She remained rooted in front of the terminal, staring at the empty space where her mother's face was a moment ago.

_What about us? What about justice for us? We did nothing wrong, and we're stuck here, suffering._

Falere wiped the tears that were starting to form in her eyes, and started to search for her sister. If they don't look after each other, then who will? They were truly all alone now.


End file.
